[00:00:56] Mel: Hi everyone. And welcome back to the show. Thank you for stopping [00:01:00] by this week's fresh new episode. I've just returned from a short trip to Malaysia where I ran three days of workshops in Kuala Lumpur, which was really cool. It's the second time I've been there to facilitate these workshops and, I'm always amazed by the huge diversity of thought in the room there, and also the food in Kuala Lumpur is just really good.

[00:01:21] So I tacked on a couple of days in Singapore at the end of the week, which was so worthwhile. So in both KL and Singapore, I was able to catch up with a bunch of comms people from the IABC community. For those of you who don't know, IABC is the International Association of Business Communicators, and I'm the president of the Queensland chapter.

[00:01:45] But whenever I travel, I always make a point of beforehand reaching out through the network to the local chapter leads and local, just local chapter board members, members in general, and try to catch up with some of them while I'm there. And that's a [00:02:00] really cool thing about that worldwide network is that I can catch up with comms people - wherever I go, which is super cool. So I also caught up with an old work colleague who now lives in Singapore and my friend, Lisa Partridge. I consider her a friend now. We actually connected a couple of years ago through LinkedIn. Then we met each other via zoom and I've been a guest on her podcast.

[00:02:21] So, we finally got to meet in person, which was so great. And again, it just goes to show the power of getting out there and building a network wherever you go in the world, you can meet up with people that you've met online. So how cool is that? Well, maybe really cool for me. Cause I'm a massive extrovert.

[00:02:38] The introverts are probably going, what the hell? So anywho, it was a great experience and I'm really grateful I was asked back again to facilitate these workshops. Days one and two were really based around communication strategies, both internal and external. And day three was all about crisis comms. So we covered a lot of ground.

[00:02:58] Normally, I wouldn't recommend that for [00:03:00] workshops, I'd actually recommend a maximum of four hours for a workshop because it's really hard for people to stay engaged for that long, to be able to switch off from work and life for that long. But in this case, it's how they run things. And when you have a person traveling internationally to be there, I can understand how you'd want to get as much bang for your buck in a short amount of time as you can.

[00:03:24] So in a future episode, I'll delve into how I design a workshop and some of the things I've learned along the way. Like how long a workshop should be. For today's episode though, we're going to take a look at communication when it's not written or verbal. So when the word communication comes to mind, I think most people think about things like emails, meetings, conversations, website copy, town halls, all those sorts of things.

[00:03:52] But I think also many leaders and often - Yeah, well, many leaders really fail to realize that behaviors are a [00:04:00] form of communication, too. So, think about it this way. Anything that sends a message is a form of communication. I'm going to say that again, because it's so key. Anything that sends a message is a form of communication.

[00:04:15] So beyond what you've written in an email, what you've said in a meeting, there are other ways that we communicate, often subconsciously or inadvertently. And the messages you send through your behaviors are just as powerful, if not more powerful than the words you speak or write. So today I'm going to go through a few ways your behaviors send messages, and it might be that you are already hyper aware of this stuff, or maybe it will make you more aware.

[00:04:43] Or give you some ideas of how to offer a next level of comms coaching to your clients and stakeholders. So let's get into it. The first thing I want to talk about, is a doozy. It's what we call the 'say do gap'. So that's [00:05:00] when all your written and verbal communication say one thing, but you do another - let me give you an example.

[00:05:07] So let's say in all their emails and town halls, a senior leader is talking about living the company's values, things like accountability, respect for each other and so on. So they're yabbering on about respect, but then, in a meeting later on, they start slagging off one of their peers or another team in the business.

[00:05:26] Or let's say your business organization has a very strong anti bullying message and the CEO has done a lot of work around spreading the message that bullying will not be tolerated, encouraging people to speak up if they see the behavior. They give the impression that there will be accountability. So when you see a senior executive verbally berate one of their team or you see some more passive bullying behaviors, like shutting people out of conversations, not talking to them, et cetera - you're encouraged to speak up because you've been told, Hey, it's not tolerated, speak [00:06:00] up, but surprise, surprise, nothing happens.

[00:06:03] And, the person who is doing the bullying is sometimes treated like some sort of protected species, or the leadership just can't be bothered having those hard conversations. Another example, maybe there's some austerity measures being put in place in your business, you know, they're cutting costs. So they're cutting learning programs, they're cutting people, and yet the executive team jet off to a luxury offsite retreat for three days under the guise of developing strategy in inverted commas.

[00:06:33] Now, unfortunately I have actually seen all those scenarios play out and in each one, what was said and written did not match the behaviors. So this is where that say do gap comes into play. The message it sends is not a good one. It communicates a message that we actually don't really care about those things, or there's different sets of rules for different people in this organization, or things like we're saying these things matter, but not [00:07:00] really.

[00:07:01] And you can imagine how that message then translates through the organization, how it impacts culture, morale, and just behaviors more broadly. And some people will take these messages as permission to also behave badly because they're seeing other people do it and they're getting away with it. Others will see it as their cue to leave; either way, it's not good.

[00:07:21] So the biggest issue with the say, do gap is that it erodes trust. And when leaders lose trust, they lose engagement and then they lose performance and productivity. All of this stuff has an impact on the bottom line. Trust is the basis of any functioning, effective relationship. So it's absolutely critical that leaders walk the talk and role model the behaviours they expect of others.

[00:07:46] Not just leaders, your colleagues as well. You! That's part of your role as well. So you should be role modelling the behaviours you expect to see and so should leaders. So, how do you address this? Well, it's really about having those concrete examples of, [00:08:00] hey, Over here, you said this, and yet what people are seeing is this.

[00:08:04] Can you see the mismatch there? What message do you think that is sending to people? So really, it's about having those open ended conversations, not necessarily from a place of blame, but really just bringing awareness. And you can even couch that conversation in that way. Hey, I'm not sure if you're aware of how this looks, what that means for your reputation, etc.

[00:08:27] So that's the first thing, the say do gap. The second way our behaviors send a message is the timing of communication. I spoke about this on LinkedIn and Instagram a few weeks ago, and it definitely resonated with people judging by the comments, the likes, the shares, et cetera. So. My take on this, and again, this is the world according to Mel, is that if you send a message to someone via any channel, when you know they're offline, or you know it's outside of business hours, to me, that's sending a message [00:09:00] that you don't care.

[00:09:01] How many times have you received a message that started with, I'm sorry to bother you on your holiday, weekend, while you are giving birth... but, and then they go ahead and bother you anyway. Sound familiar? What that behavior says is that, I don't care as much about you as a person, as I care about the work that you do.

[00:09:22] And that's a terrible message to send. Now, there are absolutely certain caveats to this. Like, if you work in a sector that's 24 hours by nature, like emergency services for example. Then you expect that there will be messages sent at weird hours, or perhaps you already have an agreement in place with someone that you can contact each other after hours.

[00:09:42] That's okay too, because you've both agreed to that. With some of my team, you know, we know we're not, we don't expect a response, but we've gone, I'm just sending you this now because otherwise I will forget or I have to send an epiphany. And that's just kind of how we work. And with one of my team in particular, we've [00:10:00] actually discussed this and said.

[00:10:01] Is it okay? Yep. It's okay. Great. So we've agreed to that, but when someone is genuinely offline and you know it and you go ahead and send that, I'm sorry to bother you kind of message. That's not okay. And I guarantee that most of the time it's actually not as urgent as they think it is.

[00:10:20] They're not saving babies or have found a cure for cancer, that must be shared right now to save lives, right? Some of the conversation after I posted about this included some comments around people suggesting that as the receiver of that communication, you also have a responsibility to put boundaries in place.

[00:10:39] And yes, we can do that and make it clear what our expectations are. However, there's often a power imbalance at play, like your CEO emailing you at 11pm at night with a quick question in inverted commas. Some people will find that really hard to ignore because it's the CEO. Or perhaps you're in a new job or a new role [00:11:00] and you're trying to make an impression and you want to make sure you appear responsive.

[00:11:03] So you do respond to that Saturday email as soon as you get it. You know, that power imbalance is very real. And I think text messaging is even worse, to be honest, because it's so much harder to escape when you have your phone on you the whole time. A text message does have this more inherent sense of urgency, even if it isn't urgent, as we just said.

[00:11:25] But it's also almost more of a personal direct channel than an email. So how do you address this? Well, there's a few ways. Number one is be clear as a team or as a team member, what your boundaries are. It is absolutely okay to say you will not respond to emails after 6 PM unless it's life threatening.

[00:11:45] And if it is life threatening, why are you emailing me? Call me! As the sender, number two, why not schedule your email instead? And look, I get it. I work a lot on weekends and after hours, it's not glamorous. And I do send emails then because [00:12:00] otherwise I will forget, like that's just my ADHD brain in action.

[00:12:05] But there's a great scheduling tool on Gmail and on most email platforms now. So that means I can write the email, get it off my plate, and then I just schedule it for 8am the next Monday or whenever the case may be. Number three is if you have some sort of responsiveness, like you, you must have that in your, in the way your team operates.

[00:12:27] So, you know, for example, I used to work at police media. It's a 24 hour business, obviously. Think about an on call roster, but also think about the industrial relations implications of that and if additional pay or toil might be expected to have a chat to HR first. Also, I have often found something is considered urgent because there's only one person who knows how to do something or who knows about a particular topic. Other team members haven't been trained or the knowledge hasn't been shared, [00:13:00] right? So to avoid that, think about where are your key person risks as a team.

[00:13:05] So for example, if Jenny ended up in a coma tomorrow, would someone else know how to do her role or where she's at with her clients or how to use a piece of software that she always uses? If the answer is no to any of those questions, then you need to start getting across Jenny's stuff. Find ways to document her work and her processes as a team.

[00:13:27] Now, the third big piece of non verbal and non written communication behavior is body language. And the thing about body language is that many of us are aware of others', but not necessarily aware of our own.

[00:13:42] So your body language does send a message about how much you're really engaged in the conversation, whether you're feeling comfortable or uncomfortable, whether you're responding in an aggressive or confident manner, et cetera. So think about where your hands and arms are. For example, if they're crossed [00:14:00] across your chest, it comes across as defensive or you're not going to be open and transparent.

[00:14:06] For me personally, the problem I have is I use my hands too much - I can't talk without them, but equally, I can't stay still for long. So I have to do something with my hands. The flip side of this, of course, is there are some people who struggle to pick up on social cues, and that includes body language cues. So if you know you're talking to someone who does struggle with that. Then you need to be extra clear in your verbal communication.

[00:14:29] The other part of body language is facial expressions. And I'm sure we've all heard the term resting bitch face. And look, not a huge fan of that term because it doesn't appear to be a male equivalent, but I get what they're saying. Some people's deep faces default to a frown. And usually it's just they're in deep thought or they're thinking through something, but it can come across as negative. I remember back when COVID kicked off big time and we had to shut down our gym, we were only allowed to live stream workouts and there could only be two trainers there at one time [00:15:00] teaching 1. 5 meters apart, blah, blah, blah. And that was a huge learning curve for me in body language, but also facial expressions. I was watching one of our classes back one day and I noticed one of the other trainers was frowning the whole time while I was teaching, but started smiling once she was on the mic.

[00:15:19] And it wasn't intentional or aggressive. She was just concentrating, but it was so obvious when you looked at that screen and once I pointed it out to her, she was absolutely mortified. But then she made a big effort and we all did to both be smiling, no matter who was on the microphone, because, you know, we're looking at people on the other side - they're at home, they're bored, they're lonely, they log onto this workout wanting a really good experience. The least we can do is smile and bring a vibe to it.

[00:15:46] So your facial expressions are more important now than ever because we do so much meeting online too. You have to be more aware of the look on your face and the message that might be sending. So as much as you might hate having [00:16:00] your camera on in a Zoom call, it's actually really good practice in getting your facial expressions right and into good habits with them.

[00:16:09] Also, when you are presenting online, you don't have as much body language to work with to really animate the conversation and keep people engaged. So, apart from your tone of voice, your facial expressions are the other big piece that are going to be communicating messages; communicating a vibe. There's also things like whether or not you're looking people in the eyes as you talk or whether you're actively avoiding their gaze. And now again, this can be for neurodiverse or cultural reasons. So don't take it too personally, but it's just something you may need to be aware of yourself.

[00:16:42] So let's recap today's episode on all things non verbal and non vision communication and the messages those behaviors can send. Number one is the say do gap, when a person says one thing but does another. It erodes trust, it leads to poor behaviours and poor engagement.

[00:16:59] [00:17:00] Number two is the timing of your messages. It's rarely that urgent that you need to bother someone outside of work hours or when they are legitimately offline. So think about how you might be able to schedule that message for a later time or write yourself a note to remember to have a chat to the person. And if you're going to contact that person about information you're seeking or a process you're unsure of, please at least try and find that information first or try and figure it out yourself before you go down that path.

[00:17:30] Number three, body language and facial expressions. So being aware of your own body language and facial expressions is so key. Remember, we're usually aware of others' body language, sometimes more subconsciously than consciously, but we also need to build our own self awareness to make sure we're not unintentionally sending the wrong messages.

[00:17:51] So those are three behaviors that communicate messages. I would love to hear your thoughts on that because, as I said at the beginning, this is the world according to Mel and based on my own [00:18:00] experiences and learning.

[00:18:01] So if you have other ideas, please, by all means get in touch. And if there are other non verbal and non written communication behaviors, you think we should also mention - again, get in touch. That's it for now. I'll be back next week with another fresh podcast episode. In the meantime, keep doing amazing things and bye for now.